Mature Humor

A 44 year old woman just got married for the 4th time. On her wedding night she says to her new husband, "Now honey, please be gentle with me, because I am a virgin."

The husband replies,"A virgin!?!? What do you mean you're a virgin, you've been married 3 times before!! What's the story?"

"Well," begins the woman,"My first husband was a psychologist; he just liked to talk about it.

My second husband was a gynecologist; he just liked to look at it.

My third husband was a stamp collector.God, I miss him!!!"


One day a man walked into a bar and ordered 10 shots of vodka.

The bartender asked, "Why 10 shots? What's wrong?"

The man replied,"I just found out that my son is gay."

The next week the man comes in again and orders 20 shots of vodka.

The bartender says, "Why 20 shots of vodka? What's the matter this week?"

The man said, "I just found out that my other son is gay."

The third week the man comes in and orders 30 shots of vodka.

The bartender finally says, "Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

And the man replies, "Yeah, my wife does."


THERE was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked in the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he had a very even tan all over his body, with the exception of his PENIS. Something had to be done about this.

He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, leaving only his penis face up to the sun. Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady, "There really is no justice in this world".

The other little old lady said, "what do you mean?"

The first old lady said, "Look at that. . . When I was 20 I was curious about it; when I was 30 I enjoyed it; when I was 40 I asked for it; when I was 50 I paid for it; when I was 60 I prayed for it; when I was 70 I forgot about it, and now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild - and I'm too old to squat!"


A couple was having trouble conceiving a child. They went to the doctor and he told them that the problem was one of insufficient penetration. He told the man to do it doggie fashion.

The man said, "What is that?"

The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs and do like they do."

The man said, "My wife is very shy and she won't do that."

The doctor replied, "Give her a cocktail or two and she will lose all inhibition."

Some while later the doctor met the man pushing a baby carriage.

"I see it worked!" the doctor said.

"Yes it did Doc, but the problem wife is now an alcoholic!"

"How did that happen?" the doctor asked.

"Well, every time we did took seven or eight drinks just to get her out onto the front yard."


An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"


Three astronauts, a Russian, an American and a Sardarji are arguing about who's the best.

The Russian : WE are the best. WE were the first in space.

The American : No, no no. WE are the best. We were the first to put a man on the moon.

The Surd : No, no gentlemen. We are the best. WE are planning to land on the Sun.

The other two : But. but. you can't do that. The Sun's too hot.

The Surd : But we thought of that too. We're going to do it at night.


McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."


An old man, vacationing in Las Vegas, decides to visit a brothel, as it has been a long time since he's had any. After paying the madam, he picks out a cute little blonde girl, and they go upstairs. After the preliminaries, he climbs on and starts humping away, and hollers out,

"How am I doing, honey?"

She replies, "About three nots."

He says, "Three knots? What does that mean?"

She says, "You're not in, you're not hard, and you're not getting your money back!"


On their wedding night, two blissful newlyweds shut off the lights and crawl under the covers. Turning amorously toward one another, Ole tenderly informs Lena that tonight he wants a hand job instead of the usual stuff. Lena, being the proper girl that she is, had absolutely no idea what a "hand job" was. So, she gets out of bed, puts on her robe and heads for the phone to call her mom.

"Mom," says Lena, "Ole wants a hand job and I don't know what he means!"

"Oh, Lena," says her mother, "that's real simple. Just grab his thing and shake it like a bottle of ketchup."

"Gee, Mom, that's easy enough," replies Lena. So Lena hangs up the phone, removes her robe and crawls back into the sack. She snuggles up to Ole and with amorous looks, she grabs his thing firmly with one hand and starts beating the end with the other hand !


A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm.she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured . was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to . make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"Get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

" this 832-4821?"


From 13 to 18 a woman is like Africa - virgin and unexplored.

From 19 to 35 she is like Asia - hot and exotic.

From 36 to 45 she is like America - fully explored and free with her resources.

From 46 to 55 she is like Europe - exhausted, but still has points of interest.

From 56 on she is like Australia - everyone knows it's down there but no one gives a damn.


One way to improve perceptions about cigarette companies would be to have the Energizer Bunny appear in commercials for them.

Of course, if he started coughing and hacking, that wouldn't be so good.


A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:

Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed.

About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.

"I'm here about your ad," he says.

"You must be mistaken," she says.

"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And can't run away, because I don't have any legs."

"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"


A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating to fast, she chokes on a chicken bone. Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The woman watches these two go at it, and is totally grossed out.

She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly,

"You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."


The beautiful Executive Assistant to the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,

"Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he is muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "I cut. I cut."


The Unknown Soldier

While taking dictation one morning, a secretary noticed that her boss's fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said: "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open." He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was open.

He decided to have a little fun and called her back into his office.

"By the way, Miss Smith," he said, "When you noticed my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

"Why, no, sir," she replied, "All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."


One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk. She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter.

Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent.

So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she cooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives him all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it.

"Fair enough," says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic.

On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. "Honey," he says, "we've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had a heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk?"

The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great sex.

"I don't care," he tells her.

"After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this goddamn trunk!"

So, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk.

Inside are three ears of corn and $34,000 dollars in cash.

"Jeez!" shouts the surprised husband. "What's going on here? Where did all of this come from?"

"Well, sweetie," replies the wife, "you said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk."

The husband cannot believe the shocking confession that he has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife,

"All right, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three times of infidelity in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?"

"Well," she replies, "whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn."


There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and gather ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.

The first apple went in. but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second man arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this would be easy. the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore he was also killed and went to heaven.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with watermelons."


The Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball-don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said,

"How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies - that's amazing."



Bert and Flo met in a night club one night and danced the night away. They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity.

Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed something strange. Flo's toes would curl up during every lovemaking session.

When they were done, They laid back on the bed and relaxed against the pillows, Bert, being impressed with himself said,

"I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up every time we made love."

Flo looked at him and smiled. "That usually happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose."


One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how gorgeous the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.Could I see your driver's license?"

".License.?" replied the blonde, instantly revealing that she wasn't very bright.

"It's usually in your wallet." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the

driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration.what's that."" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently.

After more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute, " said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer radio'd the dispatcher to run a check on the woman's license and

registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back: "Ummm.

.is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes," replied the officer.

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.

"Uh, yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff, stand back, & drop

your pants."

"WHAT!!? I can't do that. That's crazy!" exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me.just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop returned to the blonde, gave back the license and registration, and dropped

his pants as the dispatcher had said.

The blonde looked down and sighed, "Ohhh, no.not ANOTHER breathalyzer."


One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman`s house.

Superman said, "Hey, Spidey, let`s go get a burger and a beer!"

Spiderman replied, "No can do. I`ve got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can`t fight crime tomorrow without it."

So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what`s up.

"Hey, Batman! Let`s go get a burger and a beer!"

Batman replies, "Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and it must be fixed today. Can`t fight crime tomorrow without it."

Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none other than WonderWoman, lying on the deck, spread-eagle, and stark-naked! Superman gets a brilliant idea."They`ve always said I`m "faster than a speeding bullet" and I`ve always wondered what she`d be like with all her "Wonder Powers". So, he zzoooooommms down and does her in a FLASH!!! and is gone before anyone can notice.

All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What was that!?!"

The Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don`t know but it hurt like hell!"


A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."


A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.

"Spot!" she called out sharply.

"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"


Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "it's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "what size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "one that will fit a camel!"


Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body , which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Mr. (S) Johnson and asked the same question.

Mr. Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.

One, you have not studied your lesson.

Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."


The Sex Doctor

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happyto say that I believe I can help you.

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.

"The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios."


A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman & all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said,"you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer"

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally,he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."


As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax.; you are *not* the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients. But, another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian!"


A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $98.00, we do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy was ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in "

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."


Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"

He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k."

His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"

Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky."


A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".


A general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.

"No," croaks the old man feebly, "But it's startin' to twitch."


A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave the house. I watch house. He comes to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with ME. Fall out of tree, not see.



The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two


The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.

Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu.


A woman is trying to board a bus; however, her skirt is too tight and she can't step up. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries again! Skirt's still too tight! She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper some more. She still can't get on and lowers the zipper a third time. Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to do that!!"

The man responds, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"


A man was approached by coworker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The coworker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"


Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife loved him very much but couldn't handle him anymore. He would wander around never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out the paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly, the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. After a few minutes, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started to lean forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, the wife completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But they won't let me fart."


Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place.

-- Billy Crystal.

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.

-- Frederick Ryder

Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.

-- Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)

Eventually, all men come out of the bathroom dressed as a majorette.

-- Ernestyne White

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.

-- Sanskrit proverb

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn.

Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

-- Jerry Seinfeld

We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation.

-- Jane Wagner

March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.

-- Anonymous

Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.

-- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.

-- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.

-- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

-- Lyndon B. Johnson

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

-- Carrie Snow

God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.


A young man accidentally slammed his penis in the car door (it happens) one day, and rushed to see the doctor. The doctor surveyed the damage and said I know that hurts like Hell, but you are very fortunate, because I expect you to make a full recovery.However, we're going to have to put a splint on that. The man said, No way Doc, I'm getting married in a week. The Doctor replied Well if we don't, it's going to be bent for the rest of your life.

Finally the man agreed, and the doctor improvised a splint from two tongue depressors, gauze, and adhesive tape. A week later, on his wedding night, his bride was undressing seductively. As she removed her bra, she said proudly, See these? They have never been touched by a man before. She stepped out of her panties and announced, See this? It's never been seen by a man before.

Her husband dropped his shorts and retorted, See this? Still in the crate!


A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."


Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said tothe 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)I said (pointing to the small circle) ".this is your asshole before prison.


Twenty ways to annoy public restroom stallmate.

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easyboy!"

11. Say, "Interesting. more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

21. Talk to your dick. Say "Wow Mr. Happy you shoulda seen that chick out there. I'd of brought you out for a look, but you know what happened the last time I did that."

22. Slap the side of your leg and say "Bad monkey, bad bad monkey"

23. Exclaim "Man, this must be the worlds record for the longest turd. Hey does anyone want to see this?"

24. After you fart say, "Hey top that!"

25. After they fart say "Good one, let me see if I can top it"

26. While washing your hands turn to the guy beside you and say: "I don't know what that guy in there ate, but it smells like something crawled up his ass and died!"

27. Yell "bombs away!" every time you drop a turd.

Here are some more:

Pull down your pants sit down and sigh out loud "Damn not in my pants again"

Try to start a conversation up with the guy beside you. Say "Hey. how's it going over there today? I'm doing pretty good myself. What about those reds.etc"

Blow up a whoopee cushion and hide it under your shirt until you get in the stall. Sit down take it out and begin squeezing it. Make loud sounds of relief after each one.


One day in Dodge city a cowboy rides into town. He pulls up outside the saloon and gets off his horse. He ties the horse up and then walks round the back of it, lifts the tail and kisses the horse's backside with puckered lips. He then walks into the saloon.

Across the street an old timer can't believe what he's just seen so he rushes across and bursts into the saloon where he sees the cowboy drinking at the bar.

"Hey mister," he says. "Did I just see you kiss that hoss' ass?"


"If you don't mind me askin'. Why d'ya do that?"

"Cos I got chapped lips," replies the cowboy.

"And kissin' your hoss' ass cures chapped lips?"

"Nope," says the cowboy, "but it sure stops you lickin' them."



For years and years they told me,

"Be careful of your breasts-

Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,

And give them monthly tests."

So I heeded all their warnings

and protected them by law.

Guarded them very carefully,

And always wore a bra.

After 40 years of careful care

The doctor found a lump.

He ordered up a mammogram

To look inside that clump.

"Stand up very close," she said,

As she got my breast in line.

"And tell me when it hurts," she said

"Ah yes! There! That's just fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,

I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate was pressing down,

My boob was in a vise!

My skin was stretched and stretched

From way up by my chin.

My poor breast was being squashed

To Swedish Pancake thin!

Excruciating pain I felt,

Within its vise-like grip.

A prisoner in this vicious thing,

My poor defenseless tit.

"Take a deep breath," she said to me.

Who does she think she's kidding?

My chest is smashed in her machine,

I can't breath and weary I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say,

as the room was swaying.

"Now let's get the other one."

"Lord have mercy," I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down,

It squeezed me from both sides.

I'll bet she's never had this done

To her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,

I surely have one now.

If there had been a cyst in there,

It would have popped by now.

This machine was made by man,

Of this I have no doubt!

I'd like to get his balls in there

And listen to him shout!!!!!!!!


Sex Pill

A woman notices that her sex drive has been low lately and decides to talk about it with her husband.

They finally agree that she should see her doctor for help. Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to take a couple before going to bed.

When the wife came home, she told her husband about the pills, takes a couple and goes to bed.

The husband decides to take a couple to boost his drive also.

At about 1 o'clock in the morning later that night, the wife woke up and said out loud "I need a man!".

And the husband replied "Me too!".



A businessman and his secretary are overcome by passion, and the exec convinces his paramour to retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner". "Don't worry" he purrs "my wife is out of town on a business trip, and won't bother us".

The pair are necking in the business man's bedroom, when the secretary gasps "we got to stop now! I'm not using any birth control."

"No problem" he replies "I know where my wife keeps her diaphragm."

He immediately begins rooting around in the bathroom. After a half hour, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

"That Bitch!" he exclaims "she took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me ."


A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day fresh out of the shower she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her chest is too small. Uncharateristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your chest to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper. and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between them.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

They'll grow larger over a peiord of years," he replies. The wife stops.

"Why do you think rubbing a piece of toliet paper between them everyday will make them grow over the years?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"


A very timid woman went to the grocery store to buy several items. When she reached the check-out counter, the clerk discovered that the price tag was missing from her box of Tampax. (This was before the days of bar-code scanning.) So over the loudspeaker, the clerk asked for the stockboy to check the price of Tampax. This embarrassed the woman to no end.

Imagine her mortification when the confused stockboy, thinking the clerk had said "thumbtacks" came back over the loudspeaker asking, "Do you mean the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"



Men are like department stores. their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations. they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers. hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers. load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars. sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee. the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers. they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like cement. after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.


A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts raping her. After the rapist is done, he says, "Hey Sister, what are you going to tell the other Sisters now?"

"I'll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground, and raped me twice. unless you're tired." she responded.

A man was looking all over town to find a friend of his. He walked down the street and came to a barber shop. He stuck his head inside and asked, "Bob Peters here?"

The barber replied, "Nah, we just do shaves and haircuts."


One day a driver picks up a stranger hitchhiking on the side of the road. The stranger gets in and he realized that there is a monkey in the back seat of the car. Twenty minutes goes by and suddenly the driver reaches back and slaps the monkey in the head real hard. The monkey then jumps in the front seat and starts giving the driver a blow job. Again twenty minutes later the driver does this again, and the monkey performs the same action. After a few other times, the driver asks the stranger "Do you want to try?" and the stranger replies, "OK but don't slap me that hard!"


A visiting professor at Texas A&M is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 Aggies raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you

think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 Aggies raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 Aggies raise their hands.

"That's a great response! Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 Aggies raise their hands.

"That's fantastic! But let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One Aggie in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Aggie replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

The Aggie replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said goat."


Mama Mia!

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous, but her mother reassured her, saying, "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony takes off his shirt, and exposes his hairy chest. Maria runs downstairs to her mother and says"Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest".

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs, he'll take care of you." So. up she went.

When she gets up into the bedroom, he takes off his pants, showing his hairy legs. Again Maria runs down the stairs to her mother "Mama, mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry," says the mother again, "All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man - go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So. up she went.

When she was up there, Tony takes off his socks, and on his left foot he's missing three toes. When Maria sees this, she runs downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here" says the mother, "This is a job for mama!"


The top 10 things you'll never hear a man say

10. Here, honey, you use the remote.

9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper

store with me?

5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.

4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.

2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

.and the number 1 thing a man will never say:

1. We never talk anymore.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

The top 10 things you'll never hear a woman say:

10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

8. Ohh, this diamond is way too big !

7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska.

6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends."

5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.

2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

.and the number 1 thing you'll never hear a woman say:

1. Hey, pull my finger.


It was Larry the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but can I ask what's the dollar for?"

"Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said."F. him! Give him a dollar!" The breakfast was my idea.


The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period" reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one.

Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."


A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Excuthuth me, can I have a look at your horth?"

"Sure", says the farmer, "come on in."

The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer "Her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth." The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him the mare's eyes.

"Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I want to buy thith horth."

Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn asking the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and exclaiming,

"Nith earth, nith earth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth."

The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this stage because the dwarf is quite heavy.

Suddently the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, "Her twat. Her twat, I want to see her twat!"

The farmer, infuriated, picked up the dwarf and drives him head first into the mare's backside. He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mates for a couple of minutes. He then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his predicament,

"SCHLOOOOP!" The dwarf wipes himself down and says,

"I think I better wephrase that.I'd like to thee her gallop!"


A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!"

So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt.and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said. "I dinna know where y'been lad.but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!" --


A young, inexperienced (in more ways than one) business executive for a multinational corporation gets his first overseas assignment in Japan. His first night there a young geisha girl brings up a bouquet of the hotel's complimentary flowers. She is quite sexy, our young exec thinks, and so he decides to go for it. She accepts his proposition, and they procede to the bedroom. During lovemaking, the girl mutters the word "hitakushi, hitakushi" occasionally. Being the inexperienced young lad that he is, he believes that "hitakushi" must mean "great" in Japanese. The night ends, and the man feels like he is top of the world. But it >does not end there. The girl returns the next evening, and the same thing happens as the night before. And always the girl is saying "hitakushi". He, needless to say feels like quite the dynamo. The week is coming to a close, and the exec's last duty is to play a round of golf with a perspective Japanese business client. Both players are having a mediocre day, until the 9th hole. The Japanese man hits a hole-in-one, and, our young exec, thinking he had the perfect opportunity to use his new word in Japanese, yells out emphatically, "hitakushi! hitakushi!" The Japanese man turns around and asks angrily, "what the hell do you mean, WRONG HOLE!?!?!?!?"


There was this sales guy, we'll just refer to as Sean L.- he picks up a girl while at a trade show, wines her some and gets her back to his hotel room. Things quickly progress and he gets his shoes and socks off his feet and the girl gasps. "what happened to your toes? they are mangeled and dis-colored!"

Sean L replies "No problem, I had TOLIO as a kid"

The lady says "Don't you mean POLIO?".

Again Sean L says, "TOLIO lady, it was TOLIO".

A couple more sips of wine and Sean L slips off his pants. Gasp goes the lady again when she see his bent/warped and crooked knees.

"What happened, a terrible car wreck?"

"No" says Sean L, "I had KNEASLES when I was younger."

"Don't you mean MEASLES?" replies the 'lady'.

Sean L responds, "I'm sure, it was KNEASLES, can't you see what it did to me?"

OK, they get back to the wine sips and Sean L coolly slides out of his underwear.

Gasp goes the 'lady' again, she then says, "Let me guess, you had SMALL COCKS as a kid."


Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. 34 sleeve and. 16 and a half neck"

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. 9-1/2. E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably

around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. 7-5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother:

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick. a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was one of the biggest one's she had even seen. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. Then, sis's boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats and have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel of the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Johnny's mother fainted.


A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over,she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the manreplies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that shit in here now," the priest says.


A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right inner thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" on her left inner thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

The woman replied, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."


One Thousand and One

There was this sex education expert giving a class at a college for soon to be other sex experts.

The sex expert wanting to know what the class knew ask the classroom students,

'How many way do you know how to do it'?

Half-a-dozen students raise there hand, but one wise guy in the back of room, is waving his arm to really get attention, and keeps saying One Thousand , One Thousand, One Thousand.

The sex expert points to a person in the front row and ask, 'How many ways do you know how to do it and explain the method' . The person stands up and says 'I only knows of one way to do it; and that is where the man lays on top of the woman in bed'.

Well the sex expert says that is called the "Missionary Style' thanks the man, and ask the class is their anyone else who knows another way.

To which the wise guy in the back of the room commences to say "OneThousand and One, One Thousand and One, One Thousand and One. '


Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.

Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.

Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.

Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.

Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.

Worse: For another woman.

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.

Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.

Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.

Bad: You're arrested.

Worse: By your husband.

Good: The teacher likes your son.

Bad: Sexually.

Good: You came home for a quickie.

Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You go to see a strip show.

Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.

Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.

Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.

Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.

Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.

Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky.

Bad: With the neighbors.

Worse: All of them.


A man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges. She says "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son of a bitch, I am going to grant only 1. He thinks a minute and says "OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed." She says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.

Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton.

He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.


So this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.

The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds."

He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, "This one's twenty pounds!" He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, "You can't weigh a pig like that!"

"Sure I can," said the farmer, "Watch this." He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, "This one weighs twenty pounds."

The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.

After five minutes, the boy returned alone. "She can't come out just yet," the boy said. "She's weighing the mailman."


A couple of women were playing golf one sunny afternoon. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Sure enough, the ball hit one of the guys, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain.

"Ummph, ooh, nnoooo, I'll be alright.I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?", she asked.

"Ohhh, Yeah.It feels *really great*, he replied, "But my thumb still hurts like Hell!"



A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do. The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. "Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the bible and it will tell you what to do."

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind rifles the pages of the bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the bible and sees what a he has to do. Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: "Chapter 11."



An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolate area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing happened.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"

And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"



You have deep, personal relationships via computers with people you've never met in real life before.

The phrase "going courting," to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.

You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.

Not that you'd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention.

The Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.

You remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired-it was called "Battlestar Galactica."

Songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.

Three words: "Atari," "IntelliVision" and "Coleco." Sound familiar?

You remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets-it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!

You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.

You even owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels"-that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.

A predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid."

You're upset that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, upset that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about.

You see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.

While in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.

You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.

You were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the

name "JFK" the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone."

You, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it."

You can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as well.

You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van.

You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

You knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire," but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.

You've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut!"

You watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at

the time.

You can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.

Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am."

You're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.

You never dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.

At one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.

"Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.

The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.

There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip," "Buffy," "Muffy" or "Dexter."

You never owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.

You used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.

You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.

The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

You read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.

Honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

You never had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had for hands.

You were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked


You thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy," lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.

You're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about it's possibility.

You're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for.

You freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires.

You have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.

Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting."

This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:

--Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool.

-Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you

want one of every collectible out there.

-Return of the Jedi hits the theaters. you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.

You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

You're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.

You won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there."

Going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.

You want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back hurts, sorry.

You're starting to get that "why aren't you married yet" spiel, not just from parents, but now from friends that are married.

You've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.

You're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.

You never wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now.

You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.

When someone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.

You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.

You ever used the phrase "don't make me angry. you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.

You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.

You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital).

You remember "Hey, let's be careful out there."

You're parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.

You know who shot J.R.

Finally, this rings a bell: "My name, is Charlie. They work for me."



A woman walks into a bar. She has hair growing out of her armpits. I mean big patches of hair. She sits at one end of the bar and raises her hand. The bartender walks over and asks her what she would like? and she responds."Rum and coke".

A drunk at the other end of the bar say."That's on me."

A little while later, again the woman raises her hand and the bar-tender again walks over. "What would you like? he says and again the woman says. "Rum and coke." The drunk at the end of the bar says across the bar."Give the ballarina another drink, on me!

The bartender is curious. He walks over to the drunk and asks him why he keeps buying this lady drinks. The drunk responds."If she can lift her leg that high, she deserves a drink!"


A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

"so many stupid people; so few comets."



Criminal Intelligence??? If experience is the best teacher, these criminals need more experience. These true stories were gleaned from police records across the country.

License to Steal.

Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

In the Bag.

A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.


Made for TV.

Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.


Do You Accept Credit Cards?

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.


You Mean Me?

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.



They say every criminal will get his day in court. Let's hope each day is as entertaining as these real-life examples were: Deadheads.

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

This Would Be Me.

The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

Learn Your Lesson.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

Ahh, That's Better.

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

Up In Arms.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.


A man who worked for a fire station came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.

Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.

Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.

From now on we're going to run this house the same way.

When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked.

When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed, and

when I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled,

Bell 1 and his wife took off her clothes

bell 2 and his wife jumped into bed

Bell 3 and they began to screw.

After 2 minutes his wife yelled, Bell 4. What this 4, husband says. More hose, she replied, You're nowhere near the fire!!!!!!!


Political correctness

She does not:


She becomes:


She does not have:


She is:


She is not:


She is:


She is not:


She is:


She is not a:


She is:


She is not:


She is:


She does not:


She is:


She does not have:


She is:


She does not get:


She is:


You do not ask her:


You request a:


She is not:


She is a:


She does not:


She is an:


She does not have:


She is:


She is not:


She is:


She is not:


She is:


She does not:


She is:


She does not have:


Her breasts are:


She will never:


She will become:


She is not:


She is:


She does not:


She experiences:


She does not have:


She is:


She does not:


She experiences:


Her breast will never:


They will:


She does not:


She is:


She does not:


She becomes:


She does not have:


She is:


She does not:


She is:


She does not:


She becomes:


She does not have:




She is not:


She is:



With apologies to all Italian persons--

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is perked when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."


The difference between the services

Three flag officers are sitting around having coffee, discussing the benefits and strengths of each of their services. Ultimately, they begin arguing, when the Admiral suddenly says, "This is easy to solve.hey Marine, get over here!" A young PFC Marine runs over and reports in smartly. "Here's what I want you to do," says the Admiral.

"Swim to the bottom of that holding tank without any gear and stay under as long as possible." Obediently, the Marine swims to the bottom and begins holding his breath. A short while later, he floats to the top, dead,having drowned. "Now that's guts!" exclaims the Admiral.

"Big deal," shoots off the Army general. "Watch this." He summons a capable looking private from a street corner. "Private, do you see that supply truck coming down the road? Good. I want you to stand in front of it and stop it, using only your hands." The Private stands ready, the truck bears down on him, and he is crushed. He never wavered at his post. The Army general is ecstatic. "Did you see that? Now THAT'S a soldier."

The Air Force General simply nods and smiles. Both flags look at him expectantly. "Watch closely," he says. "Hey, Airman, listen up!" he shouts. A young Airman wheels around and snaps to, awaiting his orders. "I want you to get in that transport, wait until it gets to altitude and jump out, without a chute." The Airman doesn't even flinch. He smiles snidely and shoots the Air Force General the middle finger. The Air Force flag turns to his colleagues proudly and says, "Now that's guts!"


The Life of An Egg

So you think your life is bad.

Just think how bad the life of an egg is.

You only get laid once,

You only get eaten once.

It takes 4 minutes to get hard and

2 minutes to get soft.

You have to share a box with 11 other guys, and the only chick that ever sat on Your face was your mother !!!


A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better -- your ear or your finger?


The Jack Schitt Story


"You don't know Jack Schitt__"

Now you'll know the entire story!

Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn-Schitt. Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, and the two daughters: Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt. Their final child, another son, was named Bull Schitt.

In the mean time, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens Brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt married a spicy number, Pesa Schitt, and they're awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

So now that not only do you know Jack Schitt, but his entire family as well!


This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleave and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?

"He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"



ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not particularly choosy people meet.

DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.

EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not due to shyness but because the woman's eyes are not located on her chest.

FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is usually interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.


Last time the circus came to town an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a male & female. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it would appear that the female was much better prepared as she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, a whip & chair. He showed up with a cigar. She looked more like a model than trainer. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said Ladies before Gentlemen. The female asked for her special music to be played and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaps into the cage snarling. The young lady throws aside her whip, flings back her cape and sits on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

Our tiger now circles her sniffing the air and suddenly bounds to her, puts its face between her legs and starts licking. She throws back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears.

The Owner looks at the man and says That's quite an act, Think you can do better than that.

The man says no problem, just get that fucking tiger out of the cage.


A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do fer ya'll?" asks the attendant.

"Fill her up with high test," replies the driver.

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is dat?" he asks, "I never seen one like it befer."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this my boy is a 1997 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "thata be something."

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"Thata be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are golf tees.

"What dem little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow," says the attendant, "dem Cadillac people think of everything.


An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.

"Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied.

"The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist.

"They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter.

The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious.

Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter:

"Today's cojones are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."

"True, senor," said the waiter, "you see the bull, he does not always lose."


British Trial


A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

He won the case.


Baked Beans

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for Baked Beans. He loved them but they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

Then one day he met a lovely girl and fell in love. It was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself. "She will never go for this carry on". So he made a supreme sacrifice and gave up the beans. They married shortly afterwards.

Some months later his car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in the country he called his wife and told her that he would be home late. On the way home he passed a small cafe. The aroma of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any ill effects before he got home. Before leaving he had eaten three large portions of baked beans.

All the way home he putt putted and after arriving, felt reasonably safe that he had putt putted his last. His wife, somewhat agitated and pleased to see him exclaimed, "I have a wonderful surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and led him to a chair at the end of the dining room table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold the phone rang. She made him promise not to remove the blindfold until she returned, then went to answer the phone.

Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight onto one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took a napkin from his lap and vigourously fanned the air around him. Things had just returned to normal when he felt another one coming on so he shifted his weight onto the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner.

While keeping his ear on the conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes until he heard the farewells on the phone which indicated the end of his freedom. He placed the napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it smiling contentedly to himself. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked him if he had peeked, and he of course he replied that he had not.

At this point she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise.

Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his birthday.


Baaaad Sex Life.

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her quite a few questions; however, he could not seem to get a clear picture of her problem.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?

She replied, "Well, Yes, I did one time!"

The doctor asked, "How did he look?"

The woman replied, "He looked very, very angry!"

At this point, the psychiatrist felt that he was finally getting somewhere and he said, "Well, now, I think we're beginning to get somewhere. This is very interesting. We must look into this further! Now tell me, you say you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that really seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

The woman replied, "He was looking through the window at us!!!"


"Ass Icons"

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively.

Well, how about some "ass icons"?

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around -

(_O_) and ass that's been around even more !

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass


Army Practice Jumps

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and threw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master.

The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, ``Boy, are you gonna jump or not?''

I said, ``No, sir. I'm too scared.''

So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!

He said, "Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass."

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."


Apartment for Rent

A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied;

2) that there was plenty of heat;

3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.


Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "Ok, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now an quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outa here. Make it a good one."

The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"

"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer.

"Great move, Einstein", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat."


Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a human being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach, and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Of course he gets no response.

The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no response. The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!"

At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block." he first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing.

So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump. The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?"

The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy whose penis hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear!"





40-ish 48

Adventurer Has had more partners than you ever will

Affectionate Possessive

Artist Unreliable

Athletic Flat chested

Average looking Ugly

Beautiful Pathological liar

Commitment-minded Pick out curtains, now!

Communication important Just try to get a word in edgewise

Contagious Smile Bring your penicillin

Educated College dropout

Emotionally Secure Medicated

Employed Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Enjoys art and opera Snob

Enjoys Nature Bring your own granola

Exotic Beauty Would frighten a Martian

Feminist Fat; ball buster

Financially Secure One paycheck from the street

Free spirit Substance user

Friendship first Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun Annoying

Gentle Comatose

Good Listener Borderline Autistic

Humorous Caustic

Intuitive Your opinion doesn't count

In Transition Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

Light drinker Lush

Looks younger If viewed from far away in bad light

Loves Travel If you're paying

Loves Animals Cat lady

Mature Will not let you treat her like a farm

animal in bed, like last boyfriend did

New-Age All body hair, all the time

Non-traditional Ex-husband lives in the basement

Old-fashioned Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded Desperate

Outgoing Loud

Passionate Loud

Petite Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins

Poet Depressive Schizophrenic

Professional Bitch

Redhead Shops on the Clairol aisle

Reliable Frumpy

Reubenesque Grossly Fat

Romantic Looks better by candle light

Self-employed Jobless

Smart Insipid

Special Rode the short schoolbus

Spiritual Involved with a cult

Stable Boring

Tall, thin Anorexic

Tan Wrinkled

Voluptuous Very Fat

Weight proportional to Hugely Fat height

Wants Soulmate One step away from stalking

Widow Nagged first husband to death

Writer Pompous

Young at heart Toothless crone

Sooo, where's the male side of that list? Here's a start:




40-ish 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Affectionate Needy and looking for mother-figure

Artist Delicate ego badly in need of massage

Athletic Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back

Distinguished-looking Fat, grey, and bald

Educated Will always treat you like an idiot

Employed On management track at Radio Shack

Financially Secure I will spend some money on you, in return

for which I will expect you to obey my

every whim for the duration of your

mortal life.

Free Spirit Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking Arrogant bastard

Honest Pathological Liar

Huggable Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben

ISO Slim, attractive female Would be better off with a labrador retriever

Light drinker Headed for AA

Like to cuddle Insecure, overly dependent

Like romantic walks on Read Cosmo and think this is what you

the beach want to hear

Mature Until you get to know him

Open-minded Wants to sleep with your sister but she's

not interested

Physically fit Spends a lot of time in front of mirrors

admiring himself

Poet Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated

Professional Owns a white button down

Reliable Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours

Self-employed Same as for women and eats nachos all weekend

Sensitive Needy

Smart Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on TV"

Spiritual Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter

Stable Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful Says "Please" when demanding a beer

Virile Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out

Young at heart Pedophile


One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon.

Demon: Why so glum chum ?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Demon: Hells not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.You a drinkin man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink

Demon: Well,you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays all we do is drink, Whiskey,Tequila, Guinness wine coolers, diet tab.we drink till we throw up and then drink some more

Guy: Gee , that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: All Right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke your friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, its ok . you're already dead.

Guy: Golly!!!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, Because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai-gow poker table.

Guy: Gosh, I never played pai-gow before.

Demon: Well now you can. You like drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean

Demon: Thats right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, its okay. you're already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You Gay?

Guy: Uh, No

Demon: Oooh , your gonna hate Fridays



A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action."

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you, the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"


A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame from top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over and she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK?" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."


Harry and his wife are having hard times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says,"What can he get for thirty dollars?"

Harry says, "A handjob".

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says "okay".

She gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a huge cock. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"


A Texan walked into a whorehouse in Anchorage and asked, "Do you have a girl here from Texas named Arlene?"

"Sure do," said the madam. "Go on up to Room 6."

The Texan went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door. When the woman answered it, he asked "Are you Arlene from Texas?" "I sure am," she replied.

"Well, I got two hundred dollars," he proudly said.

The hooker grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him into the room. After they had thrashed around on the mattress for about half an hour, the Texan got up to leave. "Will you be here tomorrow?" he asked.

"Sure," Arlene said, "I'll be here."

The next night, the Texan comes back and goes up to Room 6. Another two hundred dollars, another hour of horizontal aerobics. When they were done, the Texan was sitting on the side of the bed and asks, "Will you be here tomorrow night?"

"Honey," she said, "I'll be here every night for you."

The next night, the Texan comes back again. Same thing: two hundred dollars, the best sex of his life. When they were done, they were both sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Say," Arlene said, "what part of Texas you from?"

"I'm from Dallas," the Texan says, with a big grin.

"Well, I got a sister in Dallas!" the hooker cries.

"I know it," the Texan says, "and she gave me six hundred dollars to give to you!"


A Chinese guy arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room, they undress, climb into bed, and make love. When finished, the man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese guy jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed, . and finds four Chinese men.


The horse and the chicken.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.


A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"

" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.

Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"


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